Control Freak Freaking Out

I admit it fully, full-on and without reservation: I am a control freak of the worst kind in many areas of my life. It is hard for me to let go. I don't live in a bubble, nor do I insist on things being a certain way in other people's homes, but there are several things I do like "just so" in this humble abode in which we live (clarification: we are squatters living in my mother's house).

I have several excuses for said behaviors, the most logical one being IT'S NOT OUR HOUSE, WE MUST TAKE EXTRA SPECIAL CARE OF IT! but I know it's all a guise to make it seem like it's socially okay to wipe the counters ALL THE TIME. Or sponge off the floors after the toddler eats a cracker or I clip the baby's nails. Or if there is any infinitesimal amount of flour on the floor after baking homemade from-scratch muffins. (Call me Better Effing Crocker.) You'd think the house was always sparkling, but thank you to two boys, ages 18 months and three years old, two cats, a dog, and a husband who leaves his toenail clippings on the bedside table, it really is a constant process. And I hate cleaning as much as the next person, but to ensure it actually happens (because after we brought our first child home from the hospital, I don't think I actually cleaned for the next 12 months), I now have "cleaning day Fridays" upon which my oldest child relies to watch a sinfully exorbitant amount of Curious George just so Mommy can vacuum, dust and mop until her heart is content. To me, it's almost as bad as hearing other mom's say they have a drinking problem, only they sit their kids down in front of the television so they can get their drink on, while I'm wearing rubber gloves with my arms elbow-deep in the toilet bowl, intoxicating myself in a disinfected delirium...

Do I mind the energy it takes to maintain the house like this? Not so much. But we've a big change coming on, and I'm not sure I'll be able to hack it like I do now, and part of that is freaking me out. It's all about letting go of a little control, and that's the part that scares the shit out of me the most. I have to let go of a few things, and some days I do believe letting go of one thing will mean unraveling and letting everything go to wrack and ruin...

And this is what I'm getting at: Baby Number Three will be here in a matter of weeks. I am 36 1/2 weeks pregnant, and the fact that I can expect her anytime soon is a blessing and a terrifying deadline all at the same time. I would LOOOOOOVE to "have my body back" (well, except for the breastfeeding thing, and having an infant and two toddlers at home), so the end of this pregnancy is a happy thought, indeed! But wrapping my head around three children - and raising them well and maintaining order and peace and potty training and cooking and shopping and making it look effortless (okay, I don't seriously give a rat's ass about that last part) - means a readjustment to our routine that I have NO CLUE what will look like, and this is definitely something that freaks me out. A lot.

Am telling myself to just hold on, remember that I felt the same way back when we brought baby #2 home from the hospital and I said the same things, "How did my mother manage this?" when now having two kids at home seems a breeze - well, a relative breeze since they're older and one of them listens. Well, he can *choose* to listen to me sometimes. And then sometimes he doesn't, and that's when I wonder out loud, WHAT THE HELL WAS I EVEN THINKING THAT THREE KIDS WAS A GOOD IDEA?

And I did want three kids, even though this third and last one was a shocker... Nothing like you and the husband being amorous and not using contraception because you fully believe you couldn't get pregnant while at the same time knowing you absolutely should not play with this kind of fire because you've had a chicken pox vaccination that says explicitly to NOT GET OR ATTEMPT TO GET PREGNANT WITHIN THREE MONTHS OF THIS INITIAL INOCULATION OR IT'S BOOSTER (and since then, our pediatrician and my OB/GYN have both told me to stop losing sleep over it). And it's not that I thought having three kids would be all fun and games and good times and no pee on the rug or fits to be thrown in public or getting kicked in the face while putting a child in his car seat (yesterday's brand of fun!). I'm won't cop to being a (total) fool, I have actually learned that after being single for years and years, having children is much harder work than actually going to work, mind-numbing as it may be some days. But wow. It's just the typical day-to-day crap, such as grocery shopping (and yes, that means it happens at night when all of the kiddos are in bed, or Daddy has to do it, two viable options), or feeding two children food at the table when the baby will inevitably fill her pants and need to be changed (heaven forbid she'll be like our second son, who breaks out into a weepy rash if he sits in poo for longer than 30 seconds), or my oldest suddenly says those three words of urgency, "Momma, I'm pee-pee" and needs to rush to the bathroom...

And so my head spins. Tomorrow will be different, not that today was bad by any stretch. But I'm sure I will be better tomorrow. Just so long as the baby doesn't arrive before then!