Lately I've been obsessing about my inane fear of wildlife. The coyotes in the area were out running around during the wee hours of morn, and I could hear them yipping, running through the brush, cavorting like all nocturnal meat-eaters do... In the midst of this 2 am cacophony of carnivorous chaos, I found it impossible to keep from meditating on the very thought of our plans to take our 15 month-old son camping in a few weeks. Understandably, with the night-music playing out in the predawn hours, I was seized by nightmarish scenes of me being confronted by a pack of coyotes, a cougar, a bear or two, or all of the above all at the same time, with my baby boy in tow... Not exactly what sweet dreams are made of. In addition to my inexplicable fears, being that I am also 5 months pregnant, I generally need to pee at least 8 times per hour per night. While camping, this would translate to approximately 64 trips to a campground shithouse WITHOUT my husband in attendance, as he would need to stay in the tent with our little bundle of diapered joy... That's 64 too many opportunities for me to be stalked by a bear with the case of the munchies...
Needless to say, I don't think we will be going on this camping trip.
But there are scarier things in this world. Scarier by far, indeedy. Once again, tonight I found myself perusing a box of odds and ends, the type of doo-dads you pack away for sentimental reasons, then 18 years later wonder why you saved all of this garbage. But it was a healthy reminder of how pathetically sick I was over boys and my paralyzing need for them to like me. Not that I dated. I mean, I wanted them to love me, but only from afar. They scared the living crap out of me.
Indy and I went to Europe together over one summer on a high school band trip. The group we traveled with, the United States Collegiate Wind Band, a non-audition menagerie of band kids from all over the United States. We traveled and played in musical performances in 7 countries over 21 days. It was a blast, and I'm sure the music was mediocre to fair. But what I remember most was my near-handicapping crush on a boy named Chad, whom we referred to as "Flax" because of his sandy, flaxen-colored hair. Anyway, on our return flight to New York, I brought a notepad around to all of my friends to collect their mailing addresses and little personal messages, a fond remembrance. Getting all of my friends' information was the ruse -- the real motive was that I wanted something in writing from Flax, so I could take it with me and keep close to my heart for always. Or until our children asked, "How did you meet Daddy?" And then I'd have it in writing, the beginning of our love story... He'd write, "My fingers will forever regret not treasuring the silkiness of your long, flowing, blond waves of sun-spun glory which you vigilantly brush every 5 minutes... I will love you from afar, if for now that's the only way I can love you." Or at least that was kind of what I was hoping for.
Instead, this is what he wrote:
Hey Anita,
Your pen sucks. That's why I'm going to finish with my trusty #2 pencil.
Because I am heavily sedated from motion sickness pills and decongestants, my mind is quite blank and I can think of nothing to say except that I hope you found the back of your earring.
Chad H-------
(mailing address to include only a PO Box #)
Impersonal at best, and yet I still cherished his barely-know-ya-couldn't-care-less-about-ya "love letter." Well delivered, Flax! Regardless, it didn't faze me. I wrote him multiple letters to which he never responded, and it never swayed my adoration for him in the least. These romantic delusions were by far freakier than being stalked by wild predatory beasts who want to eat you while you're sitting on the can in the woods in the middle of the night.
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Thursday, August 21, 2008
An Ode To Indy
While digging around the same said box that offered up the last horrifying glimpse into my then 12-year-old douche-bag (thank you, Dean McDermott) of a soul, this is another little gem I found. Penned by none other than our favorite professional volunteer mother, Indy, this is one of the many, many creative writings she effortlessly authored...
An Ode To Anita
You're sleeping again
With your head on your purse,
You're so easy to bug
And you call me a curse.
Your life is so boring,
You sleep it away,
I wish you'd wake up
'Cause I want to play.
I pull at your hair,
And you yell with a wheeze
Ani you know I would stop
If you'd only say 'please'.
Your hair is a mess,
You look like a frump
You SNEEZED so hard in Austria,
You fell on your rump.
But since you are tired
And not full of glee,
I guess you are too busy
To even notice me.
So Ani cheer up,
Don't sleep life away,
'Cause if you don't wake up
I won't go away.
I'll keep pulling your hair
And moving your purse,
And give you good reason
To call me a curse.
Well now class is over
And we're in the hall
So Ani wake up,
And do have a ball.
We've been through a lot
Like you and your shoes,
Hey Eileen, Guide Right
And the Great Senior Blues.
So Ani wake up
Don't be such a toad,
And we'll go to Denny's for
Pie a la mode.
Luf,
Eilee
I think this would have been more appropriately titled, "Ani, Wake Up!" or, even more aptly titled, "Mr. Reilly's History Class Was A Great Big Bore at 8:00 AM." Which I'm sure it wasn't -- if I had been awake I'm sure I would have been riveted. Anywho, here it is, in the annals of history in cyberspace. Cheers to you, Indy, for being a great poet of the late 20th century!
An Ode To Anita
You're sleeping again
With your head on your purse,
You're so easy to bug
And you call me a curse.
Your life is so boring,
You sleep it away,
I wish you'd wake up
'Cause I want to play.
I pull at your hair,
And you yell with a wheeze
Ani you know I would stop
If you'd only say 'please'.
Your hair is a mess,
You look like a frump
You SNEEZED so hard in Austria,
You fell on your rump.
But since you are tired
And not full of glee,
I guess you are too busy
To even notice me.
So Ani cheer up,
Don't sleep life away,
'Cause if you don't wake up
I won't go away.
I'll keep pulling your hair
And moving your purse,
And give you good reason
To call me a curse.
Well now class is over
And we're in the hall
So Ani wake up,
And do have a ball.
We've been through a lot
Like you and your shoes,
Hey Eileen, Guide Right
And the Great Senior Blues.
So Ani wake up
Don't be such a toad,
And we'll go to Denny's for
Pie a la mode.
Luf,
Eilee
I think this would have been more appropriately titled, "Ani, Wake Up!" or, even more aptly titled, "Mr. Reilly's History Class Was A Great Big Bore at 8:00 AM." Which I'm sure it wasn't -- if I had been awake I'm sure I would have been riveted. Anywho, here it is, in the annals of history in cyberspace. Cheers to you, Indy, for being a great poet of the late 20th century!
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
An Apololgy
This evening I happened upon a primitive, yet shameful reminder of one misguide attempt to better myself as a student and as a contributing member of society. Lofty? Yes. And considering the magnitude of such an endeavor, I needed a strategy. Being the planner that I was (and still am), I thoughtfully jotted down some guidelines to help me keep my priorities in sight and aligned to achieve global success. It was a good exercise to help me get my shit together. I'm sure I thought it was a good idea at the time, but some 23-odd years later, this all comes off rather as proof of having born the most ruthless and coldhearted machinations to achieve epic social and academic status. Cruella DeVille comes to mind. Or Hitler. Or Stalin.
Scary, considering I was only twelve when I wrote this shit. And let's call this what it is, ladies and gents, for shit it is, albeit it is slightly hysterical shit (the kind of hysterical that gets a person medicated in a padded cell)... It is apparent to me now that in addition to being shallow, catty, callous, and a bit of a stalker, I also must have had an enormous fear of being lost. (And lets face it, folks -- all 3 of you -- I was lost in soooo many more ways that I realized...) I'm surprised I didn't include a map of the school with highlighted shortcuts between my locker and the nearest bathroom mirrors.
While this is a seriously late apology to the people named within, please know that it is truly heartfelt... I am aghast at the person I was in my errant youth, and hope I've improved at least a little bit. And I'm a little bit thankful that my readership includes no one who's been named... That would be too embarrassing! (*Sidenote: all lower case letter i's were dotted with an enormous balloon dot.) Here's what I wrote:
HEADING FOR 7th (GRADE).
Thank God I'm having another baby boy. Who knows what a girl of mine would be capable of...
Scary, considering I was only twelve when I wrote this shit. And let's call this what it is, ladies and gents, for shit it is, albeit it is slightly hysterical shit (the kind of hysterical that gets a person medicated in a padded cell)... It is apparent to me now that in addition to being shallow, catty, callous, and a bit of a stalker, I also must have had an enormous fear of being lost. (And lets face it, folks -- all 3 of you -- I was lost in soooo many more ways that I realized...) I'm surprised I didn't include a map of the school with highlighted shortcuts between my locker and the nearest bathroom mirrors.
While this is a seriously late apology to the people named within, please know that it is truly heartfelt... I am aghast at the person I was in my errant youth, and hope I've improved at least a little bit. And I'm a little bit thankful that my readership includes no one who's been named... That would be too embarrassing! (*Sidenote: all lower case letter i's were dotted with an enormous balloon dot.) Here's what I wrote:
HEADING FOR 7th (GRADE).
- Get to know way around school.
- Making the grade, and new friends.
- Get to be popular, and be good friends with "The Ginsberg" (the unlucky apple of my eye at the time)
- Memorize where locker is, find out where Lisa's locker is + Bo's.
- Don't act like a teacher's pet or aim directly at being one.
- During gym, when a running period, aim for a good score.
- If time for small talk (between classes, saying hello) fine, otherwise get to classes early.
- For basketball or rally team, try out, or even for track (if open for girls)
- Hang around a bit, with about 3 or 4 girls.
- TRY to be yourself. Try not to be over-popular, or always be encircled.
- Don't show off (Wow. Conceit.)
- Don't swear, (aww, hell with it!) but don't act like a goodie-too shoes. Hang around with good people. Not the street-type girls (because LOJHS was just BRIMMING with prostitutes), or the too homely kind (C---- M-----). (This girl's name was actually spelled out. As low as it goes.)
- On first day, find Lisa, and Becky, and Leslie (Keep and eye on Bo.).
- Be nice to people. (Even to the "homely" people???)
Thank God I'm having another baby boy. Who knows what a girl of mine would be capable of...
Monday, August 18, 2008
Retribution Finale: 1991
Let me just start by saying that the most pathetic thing about my posting these yearbook entries is that they comprise over 50% of ALL of my high school yearbook scribbles from friends... Alas, here is Indy's last entry:
Anita -
Ahhh Aveno... (Smiley face) You're the greatest, Nita! I am so glad that we met, wrote songs, did boo-bee, went to Europe, laughed, cried, and had many great memories together. You are a gem. (Yes Ani, both of you... See the quote page.)
You have been there for me many times and I really am glad, that I can look to you for a listening ear. Europe was the best... We got to know each other much better, and I think our friendship really grew. (Except in Italy.) But I do know one thing... Sit down this is going to come as quite a shock to you. No matter how close we are, I can never marry you... You snore. (Smiley face) I just wouldn't be able to cope. I hope you aren't too heart broken. (And now a word from our sponsor... Blaaah.)
A poem for you:
You're thinking again with your face turning blue,
your locker is stuck and where's Tara Sue?
Between each class we'd quicly rush,
But at the locker you'de be seen clutching your brush...
In the cafeteria they fed us... crap,
But you sure ate healthy, a Pepsi chased by a Wiener Wrap.
During each class you'd get lost of sleep (see pg 134-135)
And all period long you'd dream of a Jeep.
Anita Kay R------ you are a great friend,
And we will definitely be friends 'til the end.
As a great man once said... "I have and always shall be your friend." I could not say it any better. (Spock)
Good luck in all you do. I wish you much happiness.
Love,
Eileen E-------- S----
WE'LL ALWAYS HAVE PARIS, LONDON, VENICE...
Anita -
Ahhh Aveno... (Smiley face) You're the greatest, Nita! I am so glad that we met, wrote songs, did boo-bee, went to Europe, laughed, cried, and had many great memories together. You are a gem. (Yes Ani, both of you... See the quote page.)
You have been there for me many times and I really am glad, that I can look to you for a listening ear. Europe was the best... We got to know each other much better, and I think our friendship really grew. (Except in Italy.) But I do know one thing... Sit down this is going to come as quite a shock to you. No matter how close we are, I can never marry you... You snore. (Smiley face) I just wouldn't be able to cope. I hope you aren't too heart broken. (And now a word from our sponsor... Blaaah.)
A poem for you:
You're thinking again with your face turning blue,
your locker is stuck and where's Tara Sue?
Between each class we'd quicly rush,
But at the locker you'de be seen clutching your brush...
In the cafeteria they fed us... crap,
But you sure ate healthy, a Pepsi chased by a Wiener Wrap.
During each class you'd get lost of sleep (see pg 134-135)
And all period long you'd dream of a Jeep.
Anita Kay R------ you are a great friend,
And we will definitely be friends 'til the end.
As a great man once said... "I have and always shall be your friend." I could not say it any better. (Spock)
Good luck in all you do. I wish you much happiness.
Love,
Eileen E-------- S----
WE'LL ALWAYS HAVE PARIS, LONDON, VENICE...
An Ode To A Friend... Short Round 1990
An entry in my junior year yearbook from another one of my dah-ling friends, Short Round: (And it's in green because she's part Irish)
Anita Kay -
Now that senior year is finally over and I'll be writing in our SENIOR yearbook soon, you finally got around to having me write in your junior book. GOOD! Thank you for the great times that we've had together. For the laughs and tears, whines and insults, smiles and stupid jokes and even the disagreements (*Note: I have no recollection of disagreements with Short Round...) Thanks for letting me sit in your bedroom and whine to you about my "dream man." I still promise to take you out in my MAZDA car. Thanks for the great times in the Mexicali Express, driving around and around and around etc. We've wasted a lot of gas and REALLY helped to contribute to the depletion of the ozone layer. Whenever your down about not having a date just think of Homecoming at my house and take out the CHIPS and CLAM DIP! Or just give me a call, and I probably won't have a date either! (Smiley face) I can't believe that this year is almost over. When you think about it we just booked through this year. I will miss you so much next year. I hope you ahve a great and successul year in college and that you always have unlimited dating. Write me and don't forget it!
Love Always,
KMS (initials only to protect her identity!)
"Katie"
Irish men...
PHI DELTA
PHI DELTA THETA
GRAND OL' fraternity
P.S. I hope a bear never eats your dog on your back porch! (Okay, seriously Short Round, WTF??)
Anita Kay -
Now that senior year is finally over and I'll be writing in our SENIOR yearbook soon, you finally got around to having me write in your junior book. GOOD! Thank you for the great times that we've had together. For the laughs and tears, whines and insults, smiles and stupid jokes and even the disagreements (*Note: I have no recollection of disagreements with Short Round...) Thanks for letting me sit in your bedroom and whine to you about my "dream man." I still promise to take you out in my MAZDA car. Thanks for the great times in the Mexicali Express, driving around and around and around etc. We've wasted a lot of gas and REALLY helped to contribute to the depletion of the ozone layer. Whenever your down about not having a date just think of Homecoming at my house and take out the CHIPS and CLAM DIP! Or just give me a call, and I probably won't have a date either! (Smiley face) I can't believe that this year is almost over. When you think about it we just booked through this year. I will miss you so much next year. I hope you ahve a great and successul year in college and that you always have unlimited dating. Write me and don't forget it!
Love Always,
KMS (initials only to protect her identity!)
"Katie"
Irish men...
PHI DELTA
PHI DELTA THETA
GRAND OL' fraternity
P.S. I hope a bear never eats your dog on your back porch! (Okay, seriously Short Round, WTF??)
Retribution Part Deux: 1990
Indy's second and considerably more prolific yearbook entry:
Ani-
To think that if it weren't for "Hi Eileen, guide right" we mayh never have had the nerve to talk to each other. (You did say that!) We have been through so much together. And it is amazing that we've managed to stay such good friends. Some people say that they have been through it all, but can they say they've been to hell and back... Oops, I mean to Europe and back. (Maybe I WAS right the first time). I would though go through that trip all over again if there was a promise that (I could shower first) I mean if we got to travel in luxury Jeeps, rather than "deluxe" motor coaches. Even though life is like a jelly doughnut, I think that you and I ahve had the chance to dip our fingers in the jelly. So what if the flavor is prune. (Heck, it'll keep us regular. Regualr what's, now that is an entirely different story. Ask me in 20 years.) One day we'll be able to look back at high school and cry our eyes out... Oops I mean LAUGH HYSTERICALLY until we cry. "I'm never going to see you again."
Not like we haven't done a lot of that anyway. (Lights on, lights off. Ani, you cannot have your own seat on the bus, it's my turn. Bullcaca & Bullgobble.) If only life were more predictable. (Or more like your sneezes!) Loud and quick so we can make our mark and get out quickly (ha ha ha). Why are we always laughing? Could that be the basis of our friendship? Nah... Yes it is. Why is it that everytime we go out we eat? And why is it that we neve meet decent guys? Ani, shere are the GUYS? Why can't we find guys? Heck, even though we are always eating, you'd think thatsome guy would walk through the door. But then it would be my luck that the firstguy to walk through the door would be the PIZZA MAN - and he would end up being the man of my dreams and I would be destined to go through life saying "Welcome to Dominos Pizza, can I help you?" I can't believe we have five of seven classes together. History. (We are true amARicans.) Physics. (My feet are possessed... etc.) Psychology. (We never do anything.) Band (what a joke.) English. (Good old Lav.) I really wish that we weren't going to college in different states. We're hardly going to see each other! (Frowny face) At least we have Paris, and Belgium, and Italy, and Germany, and Switzerland, and etc, etc, etc...! I'm so glad it was you that I went with, any other person and they might have killed me. You're so patient with me. Why?
If I haven't made it clear before, I am so very glad that we are friends and our friendship is VERY special to me and is something that I do not want to live without. I just hope and pray that I enver have to;. To save this from getting too sappy and ridiculous. I'll stop for now but remember, wherever you are, whatever you do, you'll always be thinking of....... SOMETHING BLUE! Well I have yet to touch your record of 3 pages in my book, but I am not as wordy as you are, Anita Kay!
Remember all of the good times!
(heart) ya,
Eileen
WHEEL OF FISH!!!
Ani-
To think that if it weren't for "Hi Eileen, guide right" we mayh never have had the nerve to talk to each other. (You did say that!) We have been through so much together. And it is amazing that we've managed to stay such good friends. Some people say that they have been through it all, but can they say they've been to hell and back... Oops, I mean to Europe and back. (Maybe I WAS right the first time). I would though go through that trip all over again if there was a promise that (I could shower first) I mean if we got to travel in luxury Jeeps, rather than "deluxe" motor coaches. Even though life is like a jelly doughnut, I think that you and I ahve had the chance to dip our fingers in the jelly. So what if the flavor is prune. (Heck, it'll keep us regular. Regualr what's, now that is an entirely different story. Ask me in 20 years.) One day we'll be able to look back at high school and cry our eyes out... Oops I mean LAUGH HYSTERICALLY until we cry. "I'm never going to see you again."
Not like we haven't done a lot of that anyway. (Lights on, lights off. Ani, you cannot have your own seat on the bus, it's my turn. Bullcaca & Bullgobble.) If only life were more predictable. (Or more like your sneezes!) Loud and quick so we can make our mark and get out quickly (ha ha ha). Why are we always laughing? Could that be the basis of our friendship? Nah... Yes it is. Why is it that everytime we go out we eat? And why is it that we neve meet decent guys? Ani, shere are the GUYS? Why can't we find guys? Heck, even though we are always eating, you'd think thatsome guy would walk through the door. But then it would be my luck that the firstguy to walk through the door would be the PIZZA MAN - and he would end up being the man of my dreams and I would be destined to go through life saying "Welcome to Dominos Pizza, can I help you?" I can't believe we have five of seven classes together. History. (We are true amARicans.) Physics. (My feet are possessed... etc.) Psychology. (We never do anything.) Band (what a joke.) English. (Good old Lav.) I really wish that we weren't going to college in different states. We're hardly going to see each other! (Frowny face) At least we have Paris, and Belgium, and Italy, and Germany, and Switzerland, and etc, etc, etc...! I'm so glad it was you that I went with, any other person and they might have killed me. You're so patient with me. Why?
If I haven't made it clear before, I am so very glad that we are friends and our friendship is VERY special to me and is something that I do not want to live without. I just hope and pray that I enver have to;. To save this from getting too sappy and ridiculous. I'll stop for now but remember, wherever you are, whatever you do, you'll always be thinking of....... SOMETHING BLUE! Well I have yet to touch your record of 3 pages in my book, but I am not as wordy as you are, Anita Kay!
Remember all of the good times!
(heart) ya,
Eileen
WHEEL OF FISH!!!
Retribution Part I: 1989
Indy is a smart-ass by posting my voluminous yearbook entries in her books. So I did some super-sleuthing and found MY yearbooks, the three in which she is also featured, and upon perusal discovered that Indy herself, indeedy, had the ability to wax diarrhetic in prose. Thus, I have taken it as my honorable obligation to importune her forthwith as much as possible and in the same manner as I have been affronted... Ha! My next four posts are dedicated to friends Indy and Short Round, who are two of the (only) four people to have ever graced the pages of my yearbook with their beautiful adolescent penmanship.
*Note to readers (all two of you): keep in mind that our inane high school thought it best to provide yearbooks in the fall of the following year, so in many instances what is written for the year in print actually pertains to the following year...
NANI,
Wench (ha) you did too! Guide right Eileen! We have done so much to and for the band. Laker Nag and Laker Rag have been put to rest and on the the new year.
THANX for taking the scared and thin blonde under your wing! And the dough of life really kneaded its way out! Well look, I'm Vice Prez of band, one of the uniform managers and a front rank and a prospect for the honorable position of drum major.
I'm glad were band fags together.
(heart)
Eilee
Remember Guide Right and Cover Down!
You're my best friend and don't forget it!
Now, wasn't that sweet? And all of the capitalized words were in Indy's signature bubble-block letters (we all had our signature block letters, right?) Indy was SOOOOO good to make up for the brevity of this yearbook entry in my next yearbook...
*Note to readers (all two of you): keep in mind that our inane high school thought it best to provide yearbooks in the fall of the following year, so in many instances what is written for the year in print actually pertains to the following year...
NANI,
Wench (ha) you did too! Guide right Eileen! We have done so much to and for the band. Laker Nag and Laker Rag have been put to rest and on the the new year.
THANX for taking the scared and thin blonde under your wing! And the dough of life really kneaded its way out! Well look, I'm Vice Prez of band, one of the uniform managers and a front rank and a prospect for the honorable position of drum major.
I'm glad were band fags together.
(heart)
Eilee
Remember Guide Right and Cover Down!
You're my best friend and don't forget it!
Now, wasn't that sweet? And all of the capitalized words were in Indy's signature bubble-block letters (we all had our signature block letters, right?) Indy was SOOOOO good to make up for the brevity of this yearbook entry in my next yearbook...
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